The Psychology Of Failure

I was listening to a friend lamenting to me how much his grown up son is, in his eyes, a failure. And an embarrassment to his mother.

The word ‘embarrassment’ perked my ears up.

Because I think this is the deep, underlying reason why failure isn’t tolerated in our society.

Failure = embarrassment and shame.

To one’s family and friends.

It’s the inability of you and me to rise up to an arbitrary standard set by our family, friends or society at large.

Not that the person ‘failing’ is of poor character or is any different, to say, a successful person who is much admired.

As I was searching for a name to insert after the words ‘much admired’, I realised what a shameful life many people in the public eye live. So decided to leave it blank.

Especially after the ‘much admired’ Tiger Woods was beaten in anger by his wife, Elin, with a golf club, when she caught him texting his mistress. Not his only mistress. Just one of them.

Adultery is obviously not considered to be an act of dishonesty. The bulk of comments left on the web support Tiger and encourage him to get on with his life and to leave this episode behind.

Apparently adultery, which in its purest sense, is cheating on another person who trusts you, does not qualify a person to be a failure.

Back to ‘failure’.

For most of our childhood, we fail at everything.

We fall over a squillion times before we learn how to stand up and walk, ride a bike, roller skate. We come close to drowning while learning how to swim. We spell creatively before learning how to spell correctly.

All the time being encouraged by our family to persevere and march forward.

Scientists are chronic failures. There’s yet to be a cure or effective treatment for cancer. Although research on the disease is almost a century old.

NASA has presented the world with many failures. The ‘Challenger’ exploding shortly after take off, being one of the most notable.

But the public doesn’t perceive scientists, NASA or children as failures.

But as an adult, our family and friends are watching us.

Because they’re eager to tell their friends and co-workers just how fantastically successful you and I are at what we do.

And when you and I deprive them of that opportunity, we’re ‘A Failure’.

And not only an embarrassment, but somehow we lower their stature in the eyes of their friends and co-workers.

For many, their personal stature = the success level of their family members and friends.

Why else does it matter?

And when does it start to matter?

I’m a Baby Boomer.

When I was a child, the focus on parenting was to make sure your child was a good citizen.

My parents did all the things good parents are expected to do. They read stories to me and my sister, nurtured us, taught us manners, guided our development, but they never put pressure on either one of us to be ‘successful’.

Because ‘successful’ wasn’t a term used to identify children in that era. Words like well behaved, good mannered, polite, courteous were the buzz words.

I was the first person in my extended family to go to university. My parents were proud as punch to see both my sister and me graduate from high school.

Neither my mom or dad had the chance.

As first generation Americans, and children of working class immigrants, they were pulled out of school by their parents at age 14 and forced to find any job, just to help put food on the table. That’s how it was done, then.

During my high school years, the only expectation was that we graduate, find a steady, reliable job and be – here’s that term again – a good citizen. Meaning, we cared for and were respectful to other people.

And if you were a woman, it was expected that you quit your job as soon as your marriage produced children. In those days, marriage came before children.

And children were given a high priority.

They were the focus and responsibility of their parents. To be nurtured, to be taught manners and how to be civil to other people, at home, 24/7.

Childhood was a time to develop your imagination. To play with pots and pans as musical instruments, broomsticks as baseball bats, and colouring books and finger painting sets were ‘de rigueur’ instead of TV’s.

And most children were allowed to develop their personalities guided by, but not dictated by, their parents.

Parenting today has reached competition status. Being a parent is like training for the Olympics. Nothing short of excellence in everything is tolerated.

Babies are now born knowing how to read and write. Because they’ve been educated in the womb.

Then their childhood is stolen from them by ambitious parents wanting to outdo all the other parents.

In the child’s spare time, they’re packed off at an early age, with an electronic notebook to help them manage their time, to study music, tennis, chess and whatever else. Because it helps to elevate the status of their parents.

Homework is monitored so they excel at everything.

Friends are picked for them so they have only the best connections as they get older.

Schools are chosen before birth so they’re sure of a place in the very best one when the time comes.

And when that child reaches adulthood, and they haven’t reached the lofty heights their parents expect of them, they’re labelled ‘A Failure’.

And we seem to have many failures in our midst.

There’s the Olympic athlete who comes fourth in the games. That athlete is better than 99.99999999999999999999999% of the entire world population in that sport, but fourth place doesn’t rate or rank.

There’s the business owner who has a very good business, but they’re not at the top of the tree. There’s only one branch that’s called ‘The Top Of The Tree’. And their family lament the fact he/she’s not working hard enough to dislodge the current holder.

There’s the glorious singer who, to you and me, sounds simply divine. But isn’t good enough to be a solo singer in a musical group. The same with the violin player. And all others who are musicians and make a living out of it.

By our current standards, they’re not first.

So they might as well be last.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

On a more personal note, Victor and I lost everything in ‘the recession we had to have’ in 1992.

The architectural industry was dead in the water. Money lending to the construction industry was akin to cavorting with lepers.

Several years later, Victor’s father, a very successful engineer, couldn’t get his head around why his architect son was still a purveyor of ironing board covers.

In his mind, his father had deemed that Victor should return to architecture, even if there isn’t much work. He thought we should leave the rural life we so loved and return to the city to hunt for work.

Why?

He felt his son wasn’t fulfilling his promise. He was a talented architect and deserved better.

True. Victor is a very talented architect.

But the hard fact at the time was that there was little opportunity for Victor to return to his profession.

That took a little while to register with his father.

In the mid 90′s, architects were still driving cabs, working in restaurants, cleaning offices, et al.

In other words, living the life of actors.

Doing whatever work they could to pay the bills, until they could get another job in their profession.

Us?

We had a business that was finding customers.

And those customers were clamouring for more products designed by Victor.

We had a reason to get up in the morning.

And Victor was still doing what he loved.

Designing.

Just not buildings.

So what’s failure?

And what’s success?

I was reading about the ‘Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch’ in LA, where all the stars go to pick their pumpkins for Halloween. And to be seen and snapped by the waiting photographers.

What makes ‘Mr Bones’ different to all the other pumpkin growers?

Not knowing the answer, I’m surmising.

I doubt that his pumpkins are any better than other pumpkins.

All that’s going to happen to them is a bit of creative carving for eyes, nose and a mouth.

Their taste doesn’t matter because the pumpkin pulp is more than likely going to be thrown in the rubbish bin or tossed onto the compost heap.

The answer is a composite of publicity, effort and natural selection.

‘Mr Bones’ probably arranges for photographers to be there on the day. Ensuring the stars appear in the papers and magazines with the right perspective. As a family man or woman. A mom and dad.

And they come back year after year because ‘Mr Bones’ is now the only place to be seen buying your pumpkins for Halloween.

That’s success.

Does that mean that all the other pumpkin growers are failures?

The solo singer in an orchestra more than likely practices longer and harder and by genetic luck, has a better voice.

And they might be better at pushing their own barrow and a tad bit more ruthless in their quest to be at the top.

The 4th ranking Olympic athlete has tougher competition who, by natural selection, are physically stronger and mentally tougher and more focussed.

The business man/woman may decide they really don’t want to put in the long hours and make the sacrifices necessary to be at the top of their industry tree.

Victor and I loved our rural life and our burgeoning business.

It was never a consideration that we would compromise our turn around just to satisfy his father’s desire to have his son once again be an architect.

Fortunately, his father started to see that our business was growing. And that we were making a difference to the lives of others.

Some of his friends’ wives now had a Fitz Like A Glove™ Ironing Board Cover and waxed lyrical about it.

And his chest expanded with each compliment extended towards his son.

Unfortunately, he didn’t live long enough to see us build this business up to almost 200,000 customers around the world.

Nor could he know that this successful build up would allow Victor the breathing space to re-establish himself as a solo architect with a thriving, small rural practice.

Victor’s father’s love for his son and his desire to see him fulfil his promise as a talented architect was a very complex issue.

And one faced by many families.

Because previous generations rarely faced the new modus operandi of careers taking detours and hitting brick walls.

What other people want for you often differs from your own desires, expectations, capabilities and circumstances.

Because they’re not walking in your shoes.

Just their own.

No one at the top is there purely by accident.

There are personal, emotional and family sacrifices to be made to get there and stay there.

Everything comes at a price.

As NSW’s new premier, Kristina Keneally, is about to find out.

And not everyone is prepared to pay that price.

Success and sacrifice are the double edged sword.

Read the stories of older successful people and you’ll discover their regret at not spending more time with their family while they were climbing the ladder to the top.

Michael Douglas blames his failure to spend time with his son Cameron while Cameron was growing up, with his son’s serious drug issues and more than likely stint in jail.

So once again.

Does not being ‘top dog’ make a person a failure?

According to this Guerrilla From The Bush, there’s only one criteria for failure.

It’s when you simply don’t care about other people.

And without conviction, you walk over, ruthlessly trounce and destroy both emotionally and spiritually, the fabric of another soul.

It’s when your world is all take and no give.

It’s when your world only revolves around you.

There are many successful, much admired people in our midst who fall into this category.

Take care,

Carol